Firstly thank you so much for all of your kind words during the difficult time that you may be aware of through Twitter and such. It’s amazing to know that little ol’ me can affect so many people’s lives in such a positive way. After all, the only goal I had when I started the channel was just wanting to mess about and make people laugh!
I’m not looking for any pity or sympathy or attention seeking with what I’m about to say, I just feel it will help put things clearly as to what exactly goes on in my brain.
This week, every year, is always the worst week of the year. It’s always when I’m at my most depressed, scared, lonely. This week always starts with the anniversary of a family member’s death, the memories of seeing him helpless in a hospital bed as cancer took him away. The week then ends with my birthday. The day that is supposed to be a happy day is always overshadowed by the memories of funeral proceedings, the wake, family in black clothes, sadness, grief. I remember getting a birthday present that year from him, days after he had passed away, which as you may be able to understand was not a very nice experience. The message on the card, everything, it just made the day very sad. Obviously as people tend to celebrate birthdays every year, these feelings and memories resurface every year, I get sad. I can’t stop it. Birthdays for me now typically consist of a few cards from close family, but I don’t ask for presents and no celebrations. I’ll probably lock myself in my room and just distract myself by recording a video instead.
Last year was the same, if you were watching me back then you’ll know the gap I took from July to August. Admittedly the tail end of that was simply because I didn’t have a working computer, but the beginning was definitely triggered by this.
There’s nothing you guys need to say in response to this, I don’t want pity and I don’t particularly want to be overly congratulated on my birthday. It just is what it is. I’ll snap out of it in a week or two, Fiona will come back from her summer job and I won’t be alone, Beyond Mushbury will start, and we’ll forget all about this until next July. :)
Thanks for supporting me throughout everything I do, I hope I somehow support you through things you do too. You are all amazing people, and none of you are alone.
Keep on keepin’ on…